My Personal Story of Self-Esteem, Anxiety & Loss of Identity

healing health mental health personal stories Mar 08, 2021

My background is completely different from holistic healing and wellbeing. I studied Finance graduating with a Master’s in Business Administration and pursuing a career as a Finance Business Partner in global corporations. However, giving up work to raise my family was as much a blessing as it was a curse, resulting in my loss of identity and feelings of worthlessness. But this was only the start of my journey to self-discovery and it enabled me to find my true passion in life – helping others to improve their lives for better health, happiness and fulfilment!

When I was 11 years old, my dream was to become a Chartered Accountant. Not the typical dream for a child to have - like a teacher, a firefighter, or a veterinarian - but it was my dream. I was good at numbers and enjoyed maths at school – some could have even called me a bit ‘nerdy’ with my head often buried in books. Then when I got older, I had bigger dreams – I decided that I wanted to become an investment banker, or even a stockbroker and work on Wall Street in New York. Even the sound of it excited me – my eyes would light up just thinking about it! It was a bit of a stretch and moving away wasn’t going to be easy. But the goal was that I would make my first million by the age of 30.

A search for more meaning

My life took a drastic turn when I was in high school – I discovered life outside of books and learned that I didn’t always need to follow the rules. I became a bit rebellious and found myself searching for an identity, as I never really felt like I belonged anywhere, and I don’t think I ever felt comfortable in my own skin. I felt lost – as if I was searching for something – or maybe I just wanted to belong somewhere. I made some bad decisions and ended up being involved in a life of partying, extensive alcohol use, as well as drug abuse. Although I was still keeping up my grades through high school and into university, I was more confused than ever and used my vices as a way to fit in and numb the pain I often felt. But then I reached a bottom and found myself struggling to find joy in my life. I would stare at photographs stuck on my bedroom wall and wondered what it felt like when I used to smile – something that I hadn’t done for quite some time.

 

I was eventually diagnosed with multiple conditions over the years, including fibromyalgia, arthritis, and clinical depression. There was even a time when my doctor mentioned that I might even have a mild form of manic depression. At this point, I was just relieved to finally get prescribed medication – I wanted to feel normal like everyone else seemed to do so easily.

Repeating patterns and unlearned lessons

Somehow, I managed to get through my twenties alive, and things slowed down a bit. I went through many relationships and didn’t understand why they would all end up in the same way - my lack of self-respect and self-love would cause people to treat me worse and worse. My friends and family wondered why I tolerated such treatments from others, but deep inside I knew it was because I ultimately didn’t feel that I deserved love. Only today I know that I had to accept and love myself before anyone could give me the feeling of love that I needed so much. But as it happens, when lessons are presented to you and you refuse to learn them, your experiences will reach a point where you will have no other choice. And so, I finally decided to do something for myself for a change. Something that would not be to please anyone else – but only for my own benefit. And, as soon as I took that step out of self-loathing, my life quickly accelerated towards a brand-new start.

It’s only today I know that I had to accept and love myself
before anyone could give me the feeling of love that I needed so much.

Was this finally the perfect life?

I finally reached a point where it was hard not to enjoy being me. I had just completed my Master’s in Business program, met my husband-to-be during an exchange program in Shanghai, and moved to England. My career was taking off and I quickly got promotion after promotion – life was great, and I felt that I was finally getting the life I knew I could have. It still wasn’t enough for me though, and I knew that I would be able to achieve much more. But time doesn't slow down for anyone and I was ready to settle down to start a family. As much as I loved working, I decided to temporarily become a full-time mother – it was all-or-nothing for me and I didn’t want to juggle between work and family life. At first, things were quite exciting, and I was enjoying every single new experience of being a mum. However, as rewarding as it was, what I didn’t realise was that I gave up much more than just my job.

Loss of ego and the dark night of the soul

The first thing I want to be clear about is that my family is the most important thing in my life and every decision that I ever made was for them. But ironically, giving up work impacted me far more than I could have ever imagined. I lost my confidence as I related my self-worth to my success.

I wasn’t earning an income anymore so I had to depend on someone else, something that I wasn’t used to. And my lower self-esteem fuelled my thoughts - I didn’t think I was a good mother or even a good wife. But something much deeper was happening – something that I still can’t fully explain today. But what had happened during those years left me spiralling downwards with extreme feelings of unworthiness, betrayal, anxiety and anger.

I remember sitting in the corner of my living room, and I couldn’t stop crying.
How did I end up here? I felt like I had lost everything and absolutely
no one understood me, as if I was going crazy. I could hear myself shouting out loud, “Please make this stop! I promise that I’ll learn what I need to learn…
I just want to have a normal life again!”

This pit of darkness lasted for several years and strange messages were presenting themselves to me everywhere I turned. Friends, acquaintances and even strangers would approach me to tell me things, almost as if they all conspired together. Although there were varying messages, the one that was the clearest to me was that I needed to forgive. Hints weren't working for me, so signs were hitting me directly over the head - even unrelated people were just walking up to me for the sole purpose of telling me a story of how forgiveness was the key to setting yourself free. With the added paranoia, I just felt that I just couldn’t go on any longer, and I knew that if it wasn’t for my family, this feeling might have become a tragic reality.

But this was also the moment when everything started to change in my life, almost like whoever (or whatever) that I was shouting to was listening to me and answering to my cries of desperation…

New beginnings and synchronicities

I’m not going to lie and tell you that my life suddenly became wonderful again. It took awhile, but at the same time, I knew that something was different. I started to volunteer at a friend’s charity and just kept my head down and blocked out the world around me the best I could.

One day, I decided to attend a seminar that was being held by an organisation that had donated a generous amount of money to the charity. I figured that it was worth finding out more as I had never heard of this foundation before. The seminar was about ‘energy’ and how you could remove stress and anxiety (amongst other emotions) from your body energetically using a non-touch system. I volunteered to have a try and stood up in front of the attendees. In my mind, I knew that nothing would happen, and before I could finish that thought, I felt a surge of energy that started from the pit of my stomach and quickly rose up to my throat. Before I knew it, I was sobbing uncontrollably – utterly confused at this terrifying, yet incredible release. I was intrigued despite not fully understanding what had happened, but this was the beginning of my new-found passion for Pranic Healing. I took the first course, and small miracles were happening right in front of my very eyes. My logical Finance brain couldn’t accept this, and so I kept on going, getting positive results, one after the other. I was also completely fascinated about what had happened over the past years – I was reading book after book on various topics from various globally renowned authors. I was interested in how the mind works and these so-called spiritual awakenings, and I was most inspired by the works of Eckhart Tolle, Dr Joe Dispenza, Eric Pepin, Oliver Niño, Vishen Lahkiani of Mindvalley, as well as the Dalai Lama, Paramahansa Yogananda and Sadhguru. And obviously, with my new-found passion for healing and the energy world, I just couldn’t put down my new books on Pranic Healing and Spiritual Growth by Master Choa Kok Sui.

Living my passion

My passion hasn’t stopped growing – in fact, I feel like my mission is to help others discover that their lives, too, can be so full of passion, meaning and ultimate fulfilment. I now work as a full-time Pranic Healer and I incorporate Mindset Coaching into my work for true and sustainable transformation. I’ve also launched this online magazine to serve as a platform for others to come together to share their stories and create connections. Hopefully, this will enable us all to reach out to anyone who is going through a difficult time – to show them that sometimes there is more to life than meets the eye, and those life situations are so much more than the traumas and disasters that we sometimes are conditioned to only see. And although we are all different, this is what makes each and every one of us unique, which is truly a gift to embrace. The possibilities are limitless and we can truly create a life of good health, happiness and fulfilment in this wonderful world of energy.

Allison Cairns
Allison Cairns

Website: www.purenergylife.com
Email: [email protected]
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